The Captain's Blahg

After reading my friend Chris's (@thepipebit) blog which you can read here, and conversing back and forth with him on twitter I began to think about Star Trek since it was the main component of our conversation which revolved around pipe smoking. Chris and I both enjoy smoking a pipe and it just turns out we both enjoy some sci fi as well, birds of a feather flock together.

The holodeck aboard USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D

If the stardate were 2363 and I were serving aboard the Enterprise under the command of Captain Jean-Luc Picard I would most likely find myself spending my leisure time on the holodeck enjoying a fine vintage of stardate 2250 serving under Captain James T. Kirk. Now don't get me wrong, both Captains and their vwessels are very admirable in their own right, it's just that I tend to lean towards one Captain over another. I shall now boldly proceed to explain where no one has boldly proceeded to explain before (yes I know, that was a stretch).

First off, let me say that Kirk wore normal clothes that consisted of a top and a bottom, but I assume he went commando considering all the alien tail he was slaying across the galaxy (I'm looking at you, green alien girl). Some how through a 100 years evolution the Starfleet uniform became a one piece like the one worn by Picard, so in stardate 2363 I too would be walking around in a outfit not unlike that of a newborn child, it didn't even possess an ass flap so how would one release the Captain's log? Easy access is just one reason the holodeck beacon's me to serve under holodeck Kirk while being stuck with Picard (at least give me some leg warmers to go with this one piece).

The Chek-uation brought
home a Photon Turpedo, again

Moving backwards on impulse power for a moment, I mentioned Kirk slayed alien tail across the galaxy, unlike Picard who was fond of that one ginger doctor in sick bay (glad he didn't serve on Voyager, awkward). I would on any occasion be Kirk's wingman over Picard based on my previous sentence, you want to chill with an aging shakespearean actor or would you rather want to hang with a swashbuckling, Kobiyashi Maru (not the hot dog eater) beating, klingon hating, alien tail chasing Captain like Kirk? To boldly go where no man has gone before riding shotgun with Kirk is another reason the holodeck calls for me, although judging by Chekov's face in the picture on the right being Kirk's wingman may not be all it's cracked up to be.

Although Pichard knows how to woo the ladies, Kirk will forever stand alone above all Captains. Kirk was the first to interracially kiss, not only in the galaxy but on television when the series originally aired back in earthdate 1968. So a century before Picard, Kirk was already out there starblazing which makes me think that Picard is simply following the footsteps of the Captain with the Golden shirt. Where Kirk was notorious for smooching the ladies and breaking boundaries, Picard was really skilled at pointing his finger and saying "make it so" to his bearded first officer, William Riker. I can sit in holodeck all day and watch Kirk kiss Uhura over and over again, instead of being pointed at by Picard (my mother is not dead).

Speaking of shirts, and I'm speaking of the television series only, Kirk wore a gold colored shirt where Picard wore red. I think we all know what happens to those who beam down upon any planet wearing a red shirt, and so I have to give it up to Picard for escaping death episode after episode, but that could be because every time the enemy tried to thwart Picard they were blinded by his baldness, thus enabling Picard the ability to escape time and time and again. If the enemies knew that little secret then perhaps they would have attacked wearing sunglasses so not to be blinded by that cranium sticking out from that red Captain's shirt of Picard.

Oh crap, my time on the holodeck is up, I would explain more about these two captains but I can't think of anything to write, besides Data is waiting to play Sherlock Holmes again. Perhaps I'll join him and have a pipe. Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life in my Blahg, perhaps I myself have smoked one too many dilithium crystals.