Shorts, Brah!!

This past Saturday, the temperature was rather awesome for a day in March. I walked around the Lower East Side in Manhattan soaking in all the people scurrying about like our rat overlords to consume brunch and nurse their hangovers via unlimited mimosa's or bloody marry's. As I walked, I turned a corner and low and beheld my first sighting of the year 2011, the white guy in shorts, a miraculous creature indeed.

flexing of the guns

Usually hibernating through the winter, this special creature will normally climb forth from it's "man cave" at the moment the temperature rises at least 1 degree above 45. They are heavily into homoerotic sports such as tackle ball, and enjoy flexing their "guns" while manscaping in front of their bathroom mirrors. Though owning a tough exterior, they are quite sensitive and will lash out and threaten anyone who encroaches on their beer pong table.

The marking of the white man in shorts are quite distinct: hooded sweatshirts, backwards facing sports cap and of course what makes the white guy in shorts the white guy in shorts: basketball shorts (or the occasional cargo shorts). The hooves of these animals are often adorned with slip on flip flops exposing their grizzled, gnarled toes for all to see. Although, during times of the mating hunt, they will trade in their hoodies for vertical striped shirts and their flip flops for pointy loafers. Of course off go the shorts only to wearing some trendy god awful trousers with too much embroidery on the back pockets.

Drinking of the beers, Brah!!

Quite often, white guys in shorts douche about in packs. The migration of these beasts normally involve a plastic cup with matching bracelet which they will use while migrating from bar to bar drinking some watered down weak ass excuse of a beer such as Budweiser (I'll drink Bud too if its the best thing available). While Grazing at pizza parlors (dollar slice anyone?) these animals enjoy stuffing their faces while harassing people passing who are simply trying to live their normal mundane lives.

Through out time white guys in shorts have developed their own form of communication (brah, chillax, yo yo). They communicate via grunting and sports statistics, while eagerly expressing their desire for their team to win, how much they've drank and especially their desire to procreate. Also when excited, they will scream about and give each other what is known as a "high five". They will chatter as if they are rappers, not realizing that real rappers are more than likely making fun of them while taking their money via record sales.

If you are curious and would like to learn more about the wonderful world of white people in shorts or white people in general, then check out the bible on all things about white people: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/ for further reading.

Rats live on no evil star

Since having now fully recovered from all of the Oscar after parties I didn't attend nor was invited to, this F-list non celebrity can now resume the normality's of his mundane life. Luckily for me, thanks to Entertainment Tonight, I am reliving all of the kick ass pre/post Oscar moments that I can't seem to erase from my mind. While watching the show, I realized that since I didn't bother to drink at any of the parties I didn't attend, I know why my mind remains intact like ET's own uncircumcised Mario Lopez (what?) and I'm not hung over in the least bit. I am sure to be saved by the bell as my alarm clock rings, alerting me that a: I haven't turned off my alarm, and b: to change the damn channel. (remote, click).

Look at our cute overlords

As people scurried like rats to catch a glimpse of their favorite movie star strut Sunday night down a carpet the color of crimson, which incidentally is dyed from the blood of child laborers who make costumes for all 3D animated movies, so too have NYC's own rats been scurrying about due to the wonderful weather we're experiencing. No, not the rats who tattle on their capos to escape a life of incarceration along with games of dropping the soap. I'm talking about New York's other famous rat, our brown furry friends who rule the subways with a furry fist. These guys have been long before us and will be here long after they have enslaved us for all eternity, or at least until the sun burns out and goes into it's red giant phase.

Definitely not his pet

As we enjoy the slowly warming weather, so too are the rats enjoying the warm temperatures as they climb out of their wintery nooks. They are out there, taking NYC by storm, especially lately by appearing in online videos. This is precisely the thing we don't need. Next thing you know they will be at the Oscars being interviewed on the red carpet raving about the baby they've recently adopted from some impoverished country (this seems to be the rage amongst celebrities at this moment). Don't you have enough mouths to feed rodent (nom nom x12)?

Rats have become very brave too. While you wait impatiently for the MTA to deliver you to work late once again, the rat will nonchalantly roam around your feet expressing no fear, even once in awhile taking a train ride uptown. Seriously guys, could you least pretend that you are afraid of humans?

I knew we were in trouble when I saw these guys working the kitchen in Muppets Take Manhattan. I just didn't fully realize due to adolescence, that they were slowly working towards becoming our overlords. This is beginning to make me think they must be excellent cooks since they also appeared in Ratatouille (how did i spell that right on the first try? see what they are doing? Fuc.......K). This could explain why they are always nibbling away in our garbage. They are learning our eating habits by sifting through our garbage. Isn't this in some odd way making sense? This is the method in which they will take us over. The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

I'm not even going to go on about the amusement park led by the dark lord M.M. (I use his initials because is He-Is-Who-Must-Not-Be-named) I bet that place was entirely set up to funnel our money to use against us in our eventual slavery. It's all brain washing I tell you, and it begins when we are old enough to watch cartoon movies about wooden boys who become real because of a wish.

This is all of our fault too. Perhaps if people actually used a trash can instead of the subway tracks there would be less rats. We can only... Shhh... did you hear that? I better go, I'm beginning to feel that they are on to me. Big Mouser is watching you.

#FroggerNYC

This is actually a post that I had posted yesterday, but due to my stupidity, I lost the entire thing. I lost the draft, the post, and the images I used, so I've had to go and rewrite it as best as i could remember, and so here it is, once again, for your reading enjoyment.

An overhead view of my ride to work

Cycling to work at times or anywhere can be a hair raising experience, especially when you are living in the Capital of the world. At various times, it reminds me of the 80's arcade game Frogger. Each day I ride represents another level of the game. It's almost like Ground Hog Day, where I continue to relive the same day over and over. Poor Frogger has to dodge obstacles while on his way from point A to point B, and so too does the NYC cyclist. Even though NYC is becoming a safer place to ride, even as the days are pushing us toward our impending doom in 2012 (thanks myan calendar, you're such a downer), we still have to deal with obstacles in our own real life game of Frogger, and although I am not a frog, I do occasionally look like one as I am pedaling down the street.

The Taxi Cab

One of the most dangerous characters to look out for in this game is the Taxi cab. Off the bike, the taxi can be your friend, taking you home late at night when you're too drunk and don't have the patience to wait for the train, but while on your bike, the taxi has great potential to kill you. They regard the rules in the same manner that pirates observe the pirate code, more like a set of guidelines than actual rules, and they are more than willing to parlay with your life. The taxi will without any given notice, pull into the bike lane ahead of you and instantly open its door like the claw of a crab. The taxi will then proceed to release its clutch of passengers, spilling them into the street causing you to swerve out into traffic or into a parked car to avoid collision with them. The cabbie will then look at you, smugly roll his window up, and quickly speed away in his banana colored car with beaded seat cover, leaving you to inhale his exhaust fumes. Hey taxi, nice dice on your rearview mirror.

The Delivery Man

Now the delivery man, happens to be one of the more dirtier players in the game, partly because he himself is a cyclist. Normally, he can be seen on a mountain bike, but lately as China becomes a world super power, they can be more frequently seen coasting around on electric steeds. Delivery man has a job to perform and nothing is going to stop him from acheiving his goal of delivering that hot pizza in 30 minutes or less. I can't blame him though, like a momma bird regurgetating food for  her babies, so too does the delivery man have a flock of mouths to feed. He will come out of no where, cutting you or anyone off while riding on the sidewalk. He will display no concern as he travels the opposite way up any street or bike lane, so beware of him. Sometimes, I won't even notice him coming at me until he's almost on top of me. Please delivery man, attach some lights on your bike, I can't see you in the dark.

Notice the blank stare of the pedestrian

The Pedestrian

The third and final character that I will write about today, is the pedestrian. What makes the pedestrian scary is they possess characteristics of both the taxi and the delivery man. The pedestrian is slow like a turtle, but will freeze up like a deer in headlights when you are moving towards them, Even if it would be fun to run over them, I would never intentionally hurt any pedestrian, though at times I may have thought about it (almost like how motorists wish to run over cyclists). They will pop out of no where like a whack a mole, right into your damn path making you either swerve into traffic like the taxi does, or forcing you samsh into the back of a parked car. As if the lane is an extension of the sidewalk, they will stand smack dab in middle of the bike lane as they wait for the light to change. They become very snarky when you ask them to watch out as you ride in the very place you are suppose to be. You know pedestrian, we wouldn't interact as much if you followed the rules like you would like me to do.

Those are just a couple of things cyclists encounter living in their own game of Frogger. There are many other things I can bring to light such as pot holes, ice, homeless people, snakes on a plane and garbage trucks that can join in for game time. Oh, and don't forget to add cops to this ever growing list, but I will definitely wait for another time to write about them, they probably deserve their own post.

Wow, another level/day draws to a close. I have made it safely back to my lily pad, having dodged cars, delivery men, and pedestrians. I have crossed the river and can now relax. I may have lowered my power level on occasion by being involved in minor accidents, but I have yet to loose my life and restart the game (yes, I know we can't hit restart after we die). And so I look forward to waking up and playing the game all over again tomorrow.