Rats live on no evil star

Since having now fully recovered from all of the Oscar after parties I didn't attend nor was invited to, this F-list non celebrity can now resume the normality's of his mundane life. Luckily for me, thanks to Entertainment Tonight, I am reliving all of the kick ass pre/post Oscar moments that I can't seem to erase from my mind. While watching the show, I realized that since I didn't bother to drink at any of the parties I didn't attend, I know why my mind remains intact like ET's own uncircumcised Mario Lopez (what?) and I'm not hung over in the least bit. I am sure to be saved by the bell as my alarm clock rings, alerting me that a: I haven't turned off my alarm, and b: to change the damn channel. (remote, click).

Look at our cute overlords

As people scurried like rats to catch a glimpse of their favorite movie star strut Sunday night down a carpet the color of crimson, which incidentally is dyed from the blood of child laborers who make costumes for all 3D animated movies, so too have NYC's own rats been scurrying about due to the wonderful weather we're experiencing. No, not the rats who tattle on their capos to escape a life of incarceration along with games of dropping the soap. I'm talking about New York's other famous rat, our brown furry friends who rule the subways with a furry fist. These guys have been long before us and will be here long after they have enslaved us for all eternity, or at least until the sun burns out and goes into it's red giant phase.

Definitely not his pet

As we enjoy the slowly warming weather, so too are the rats enjoying the warm temperatures as they climb out of their wintery nooks. They are out there, taking NYC by storm, especially lately by appearing in online videos. This is precisely the thing we don't need. Next thing you know they will be at the Oscars being interviewed on the red carpet raving about the baby they've recently adopted from some impoverished country (this seems to be the rage amongst celebrities at this moment). Don't you have enough mouths to feed rodent (nom nom x12)?

Rats have become very brave too. While you wait impatiently for the MTA to deliver you to work late once again, the rat will nonchalantly roam around your feet expressing no fear, even once in awhile taking a train ride uptown. Seriously guys, could you least pretend that you are afraid of humans?

I knew we were in trouble when I saw these guys working the kitchen in Muppets Take Manhattan. I just didn't fully realize due to adolescence, that they were slowly working towards becoming our overlords. This is beginning to make me think they must be excellent cooks since they also appeared in Ratatouille (how did i spell that right on the first try? see what they are doing? Fuc.......K). This could explain why they are always nibbling away in our garbage. They are learning our eating habits by sifting through our garbage. Isn't this in some odd way making sense? This is the method in which they will take us over. The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

I'm not even going to go on about the amusement park led by the dark lord M.M. (I use his initials because is He-Is-Who-Must-Not-Be-named) I bet that place was entirely set up to funnel our money to use against us in our eventual slavery. It's all brain washing I tell you, and it begins when we are old enough to watch cartoon movies about wooden boys who become real because of a wish.

This is all of our fault too. Perhaps if people actually used a trash can instead of the subway tracks there would be less rats. We can only... Shhh... did you hear that? I better go, I'm beginning to feel that they are on to me. Big Mouser is watching you.

The Oscars

Oscars Grouch, Wilde and Mayer

Last night, the Oscars, considered to be one of the most, if not thee prestigious movie award ceremonies in the galaxy was shown live on TV last evening. Galaxy I say, since the universe revolves around Hollywood, right? That is why we call them "stars", no? The Oscar is basically an award for people who have performed their really job really well, while providing entertainment the masses.

An Actors job, similar to a coke dealers job, is providing entertainment for people. Both have potential to earn vast amounts of income, the difference being an actors body of work is captured on film, while a coke dealers work is captured as residue on money. The coke dealer when busted normally will be locked away for a long time, where the actor can normally buy their way out of jail time, ironically with money that most likely has coke residue on it. It seems like in Charlie Sheen's case, the actor and dealer can not live without the other almost forming a symbiotic relationship, this is not the case with all actors, just some.

The Oscar Fish

Actors prance around pretending to be someone they aren't in a world of make believe. This is why they justly deserve to be awarded unlike a doctor, who day in and day out, possibly save the lives of a few people now and then in a very real world. Even soldiers in combat, fighting a war I may not agree with, deserve to be paid more, soldiers' put their lives on the line while in the face of danger (audience claps).

The most absurd thing about the Oscars, coverage of the red carpet. Really? Does it matter what any "star" is wearing? Ahem, is this microphone on? Yes, the actors look great, which is why they are graded from A to F on yahoo, but the red carpet shouldn't about designers. This isn't New York fashion week. Focus people (clap, clap), this should be about the movies. I think people should be more concerned about themselves, families and friends, these are the people who give you the shirt off their back in times of need, not some movie star smiling on a carpet the color of blood.

Oscar de la Hoya

Don't get me wrong though, I enjoy watching movies just like the next person. I'm simply ranting so I have something to write about this afternoon. Yes, I do believe actors are over paid in the same manner than an athlete is over paid to run around in tight pants playing with balls, not that there is anything wrong with playing with balls. Acting and creating a movie is definitely a craft which is why the creme de la creme are awarded as such. I couldn't act my way out of a paper bag and surely do not possess any type of skill to make a movie so I must congratulate all of the losers for not winning because even though they didn't walk out that little statue, they are still awesome.

I am just happy the movie of the year was not a remake.