This morning...

How many of you feel this way in the morning?

The best part of waking up unfortunately was not Folgers in my cup, but that I woke up an hour earlier than normal giving me time to lay in bed and think about the numerous ways I will loathe the day as sit in front of dual monitors. As I have mentioned in a previous post, many of my weekdays feel like the movie Groundhog Day. Today seemed to be no different, except for the fact that I woke up earlier than expected. At least it is Wednesday, the middle of the week, and though I had to cut a rent check this morning, I am that much closer to the weekend. May the repetition begin.

I tend to enjoy the moments in a dream where you suddenly realize you are about to be late for work. You then knowingly snap yourself out of the dream-like state that you are probably more happier to exist in. That nervous rush of fear knowing that time has slipped past the start of your normal morning routine as you ride into the danger zone (Tom Cruises career should have died in that movie, not goose), is enough make any person say "Awww, shit!".

One of the first things I do in the morning is roll over, eyes glazed, and stare at the television, which I never seem to turn off as I pass out watching Jimmy Fallon the night before (no cable, few choices). Why do I do this? I haven't a clue. I think it's just feels more comfortable sleeping with sound. I'm totally fine with this except for when it comes to my electric bill and waking up to the "Today Show".

I'll never this after all the coverage

As I stare at the television, I am immediately smacked with coverage of the upcoming royal jelly wedding. Hey, television, seriously? This is the best you can give in the morning? You give me coverage of some couple that will never rule over us, in a country that we defeated for our freedom many a year ago. By the way, that was probably the only real time we fought for our freedom, since then it's been more or less maintaining that "freedom" (notice the quotes), or invading for oil (or so I've been told). I would rather watch the whole Charlie Sheen fiasco, at least he is American. Plus, watching people meltdown in the public eye, thanks to the media, can be quite entertaining. But even Charlie's fiasco will reach a point where it just needs to eject itself from our eye sights.

You never need to sleep alone

Doesn't America have other things to worry about like how we are going to be pleasing our soon to be rat overlords? How about our upcoming summer infestation of bed bugs? At least single people can share in the comfort of not having to sleep alone as they will soon have tiny little bugs eating away at them while they sleep. Neither of these two creatures of the earth are going to be leaving us anytime soon. They both are true New Yorkers and have engrained themselves into the very fabric of our lives. Besides, our overlords and new sleeping companions, don't we have enough in our own lives to worry about than some famous people who don't know we exist and will never care about us on an individual basis? Who knows?

I've annoyed myself and squandered enough time staring at the boob tube. So finally, I roll out of bed and brush what is left of my teeth and think about the day ahead. (Oh, look at the time, I'm running late now). I toss on my clothes and strap into my non messaging messenger bag and head out the door with my trusty bicycle. Off again to the place I was loathing about in the first paragraph before I was distracted by the television I never turned off.

Rats live on no evil star

Since having now fully recovered from all of the Oscar after parties I didn't attend nor was invited to, this F-list non celebrity can now resume the normality's of his mundane life. Luckily for me, thanks to Entertainment Tonight, I am reliving all of the kick ass pre/post Oscar moments that I can't seem to erase from my mind. While watching the show, I realized that since I didn't bother to drink at any of the parties I didn't attend, I know why my mind remains intact like ET's own uncircumcised Mario Lopez (what?) and I'm not hung over in the least bit. I am sure to be saved by the bell as my alarm clock rings, alerting me that a: I haven't turned off my alarm, and b: to change the damn channel. (remote, click).

Look at our cute overlords

As people scurried like rats to catch a glimpse of their favorite movie star strut Sunday night down a carpet the color of crimson, which incidentally is dyed from the blood of child laborers who make costumes for all 3D animated movies, so too have NYC's own rats been scurrying about due to the wonderful weather we're experiencing. No, not the rats who tattle on their capos to escape a life of incarceration along with games of dropping the soap. I'm talking about New York's other famous rat, our brown furry friends who rule the subways with a furry fist. These guys have been long before us and will be here long after they have enslaved us for all eternity, or at least until the sun burns out and goes into it's red giant phase.

Definitely not his pet

As we enjoy the slowly warming weather, so too are the rats enjoying the warm temperatures as they climb out of their wintery nooks. They are out there, taking NYC by storm, especially lately by appearing in online videos. This is precisely the thing we don't need. Next thing you know they will be at the Oscars being interviewed on the red carpet raving about the baby they've recently adopted from some impoverished country (this seems to be the rage amongst celebrities at this moment). Don't you have enough mouths to feed rodent (nom nom x12)?

Rats have become very brave too. While you wait impatiently for the MTA to deliver you to work late once again, the rat will nonchalantly roam around your feet expressing no fear, even once in awhile taking a train ride uptown. Seriously guys, could you least pretend that you are afraid of humans?

I knew we were in trouble when I saw these guys working the kitchen in Muppets Take Manhattan. I just didn't fully realize due to adolescence, that they were slowly working towards becoming our overlords. This is beginning to make me think they must be excellent cooks since they also appeared in Ratatouille (how did i spell that right on the first try? see what they are doing? Fuc.......K). This could explain why they are always nibbling away in our garbage. They are learning our eating habits by sifting through our garbage. Isn't this in some odd way making sense? This is the method in which they will take us over. The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

I'm not even going to go on about the amusement park led by the dark lord M.M. (I use his initials because is He-Is-Who-Must-Not-Be-named) I bet that place was entirely set up to funnel our money to use against us in our eventual slavery. It's all brain washing I tell you, and it begins when we are old enough to watch cartoon movies about wooden boys who become real because of a wish.

This is all of our fault too. Perhaps if people actually used a trash can instead of the subway tracks there would be less rats. We can only... Shhh... did you hear that? I better go, I'm beginning to feel that they are on to me. Big Mouser is watching you.