Fantasy Facebook Team

This is a post that you jocks or jockettes out there who love football to the point where you play fantasy (ha, don't worry, I myself play fantasy football as well). For all the geeks out there just replace any reference to fantasy football with Dungeons and Dragon nerd references.

Ready to join this bush league?

Welcome rookie to the inaugural draft of your Fantasy Facebook Team, finally your time has arrived after listening to your friends go on and on and on endlessly about how awesome it is play fantasy, which in this case is Facebook. Unlike real fantasy sports (which are still fantasy) you will not actually compete to win money but simply have your personal information sold to 3rd parties by commissioner Zuckerberg controller of the league, while you whittle away at time, checking to see if anyone liked your post (like I will be doing after I post this). Either way, you'll be pleased as you build a winning dynasty showing how awesome you are by the amount of players you have collected in your friends list to play on your team. Good luck!

The starting line up of your fantasy Facebook team are those in your friends list who entertain you with cutesy anecdotes or music video posts featuring bands you listened to back in the day while you experimented with the occasional narcotic. They are starters for a reason because they bring their "A" game with all of their newsfeed activity giving you a reason to return to Facebook and divvy out "like"s left and right. You probably actually see your starters in your real life, such as meeting them at the Friday night spot on some corner where you grab a pint of something or other, chatting for awhile with them about home brew before stumbling out the door to prepare for the forthcoming Saturday morning hang over.

use your imagination to
make the eyes move

If you have starters on your fantasy team then surely you have players sitting on your bench waiting for the potential opportunity to start. Your bench consists of those friends who simply come in for a play, or perhaps when a starter is out of action, post a comment or proceed to give you one of those annoying pokes (whoever came up with the poke is an ass, just sayin) then sits back down for rest of the game which in this case since it's Facebook could be days to months. Nothing's wrong with being a bench warmer but these friends equate to one of those paintings on Scooby Doo where the eyes follow you back and forth while never saying anything, only to creep you out knowing that even though they aren't commenting they are watching you (I myself, warm the bench on various fantasy Facebook teams so warmer so fellow bench warmer you are not alone).

taste one for the team

Just like fantasy football, Facebook too has the free agency as well as the waiver wire. Free agents are like free samples at Costco where you enjoy a taste and if you enjoy that taste you can add that item to your shopping cart, but in this case you simply send them an invite asking them to join your friends list squad. Of course, the flip side to the coin is you can easily release your friends to the waiver wire, especially when their point of view is too fanatical to the point where you want to kick them out of a third story window onto a bed of spikes because it's the totally opposite of your own point of view. Simply, the people you may have known 20 years ago are not the person you have on your squad now and so they have to go. Hey, if you aren't performing you get cut from the team and if you're not lucky it could be with a knife (just kidding).

Your fantasy Facebook squad is looking tight!! You have made all of the right moves and are sitting pretty with a bomb squad of people players who are there to propel you through your day of work with lol cat pictures and such. "Is hungry" and "is bored" are just two of the awesome posts that you are now going to read time and time again, Although when the game is a close one, the chance is always there that one of your substitutes will come off the bench and drop some crazy 80's song lyric from high school making you relive some awkward moment thus winning the fantasy Facebook championship even though there isn't ta championship to be won in the first place.

Game on!

Fire Fire Roseland on Fire

Photo via @BalzerDesigns

Last night while laying in bed like I do every evening, I watched the news as I slowly passed out, purposely leaving the television on to increase my electric bill (I'm all about helping local businesses). I'm not entirely concerned if a fire burns down a building unless of course, it kills someone or leave a person homeless (neither are a good thing), but if it gets in the way of my obese American way of life then I have to take issue. The news stated, the Roseland Ballroom in NYC, was on fire which means the possible cancellation of the Dropkick Murphy's show I am to attend this coming Thursday. This news does not sit well with me at all.

Could use some ketchup

I get that cavemen accidentally discovered fire a few years ago, even though Billy Joel said "it was always burning since the world was turning". According to creationists, this discovery made cavemen extremely happy since it was now possible to burn the flesh off the dinosaurs who lived along side them, thus enabling them to consume their souls. Personally, if I were a caveman when fire was discovered, I would have been absolutely ecstatic knowing that I would  no longer have to ingest my triceratops deluxe burger (hold the onions) raw while catching a show at the Roserockland.

Hey scout want feel, I mean hear a story?

From bar-b-cues to marshmallows to torching of witches at the stake, fires have been blazing a path of destruction for quite sometime since its discovery by cavemen. Fire is an enjoyment for many people, for example: the Boy Scouts (total homophobes), who enjoy sitting around a hearty fire telling ghost stories and roasting the before mentioned witches, I mean marshmallows. Once the weekend hits, people (both legal & illegal) living in the city, enjoy a nice jaunt to the park and engage in the art of  the bar-b-cue, then literally
proceed to litter our parks with trash and dump burning embers which come from, you guessed it, Fire, destroyer of worlds.

Fire does indeed heat our homes and light our way in the dark when we have forgotten to pay our electric bills from time to time, but it doesn't need to light up the mezzanine at the Roseland. We use fire to light candles to remember our loved ones who've moved on into the afterlife, as well as light candles to be romantic, bringing the possibility of creating new people in the current life (should have used a jimmy). We light a fire to enjoy our addiction to nicotine or observe the national past time of 420 (Fire, don't harsh my mellow, puff puff pass, don't bogart that....).

My mind is a battlefield where a fight rages about whether to unfriend Fire on Facebook or not. After watching the countless times the devastation Fire has left behind, I'm at least considering to block it from my newsfeed. Now with Fire potentially ruining my plan to take my girlfriend to the Roseland so she can see the Dropkick Murphy's for the first time, I'm starting to not like Fire more and more and may have to end this friendship.

(Note: Don't get me wrong and although I write my blog at an "attempt" to be humorous (I say "attempt"), there is absolutely nothing funny when any life is affected in a bad way due to fire.)

Facebook, crack of the internet

Friend Request

I bet when most of you wake up in the morning and not in any particular order, you go to the bathroom, scratch yourself and check Facebook. Perhaps, you do all three at the same time  and don't get me wrong, I'm right there with you, yawning while I'm checking my Newsfeed while trying not to spray on the floor.

I think Facebook addiction is right up there with crack, nicotine and maybe caffeine. It's not to the level of a Charlie Sheen addiction to coke and porn stars, and I'm hoping that it will not come to that or else I may need an intervention. Ironically, I hope my intervention is conducted by those in my friend list, particularly by the friends who have yet to post even once on my wall.

Friends list

Did you ever feel like you were an action figure in some child's toy collection? Well, if you did, it means you are in someone's friend list. It's almost as if you're an action figure that has been stuffed away neatly in a carrying case, the shape of Darth Vader's head. The more friends in your friends list, the easier it would to be to find your toy equivalent at Kmart. Some people have like 500 friends in their list, they can't possibly even know half of them on a personal level. We need the friends list though, because without it Facebook would prove to be pointless (which it kind of is), sort of like this blog (which definitely is pointless). If you look to image on the left, you are the person 3rd row down, 3rd from the right.

I'm sure throughout the day we all have posted something on our wall only to patiently sit and wait for someone to "like" it, or make some a comment on it. I almost feel the same way every time I post something to the blog you are currently reading. Don't fret social networker, I'm sure I'm going to "like" that post you made about the lunch that you didn't like. I realize that everyone, myself included, don't really have a lot to say, which is why everyone likes to post 80's song lyrics, wax philosophical, or letting us know they have picked lint out of their navel. Yes, I'm talking to you lint girl!

Don't take this exit

Who ever you are that created all the Facebook games, like Farmville, need to stop before you get cut with a dull blade. I'm seriously too busy being tagged in a photo I was hoping to never see again, to want to help anyone water their crops while helping that stray penguin that wandered onto the farm back to his melting ice cap. Actually, it's pretty amusing when your tagged in a photo and seeing how terrible you looked "back in the day", but I still hate the games. I block them all with an instant of seeing them pop into my newsfeed.

Have you poked? I don't mean at the end of the night when you're too drunk and simply grab the closest beast to you and drag them home, waking up the next morning enveloped in regret. Awww, I just threw up in my mouth picturing you doing that. Well, I'm not talking about that poke, I'm talking about that annoying thing that happens to me from time to time on Facebook. I'm still trying to figure out what the purpose of poking is. Can someone explain?

Well well, we have reached the end of my post for today, I've scratched, I didn't make mess on the seat and I've checked my status. Don't get me wrong I totally enjoy Facebook, although it's a total dick move that they are trying to give your personal information away to 3rd parties, being able to reconnect rekindle friendships with people I haven't been in contact for many years is, truly awesome. Aww, I just got sentimental (then threw up in my mouth again thinking about how emo it was being sentimental).