Fire Fire Roseland on Fire

Photo via @BalzerDesigns

Last night while laying in bed like I do every evening, I watched the news as I slowly passed out, purposely leaving the television on to increase my electric bill (I'm all about helping local businesses). I'm not entirely concerned if a fire burns down a building unless of course, it kills someone or leave a person homeless (neither are a good thing), but if it gets in the way of my obese American way of life then I have to take issue. The news stated, the Roseland Ballroom in NYC, was on fire which means the possible cancellation of the Dropkick Murphy's show I am to attend this coming Thursday. This news does not sit well with me at all.

Could use some ketchup

I get that cavemen accidentally discovered fire a few years ago, even though Billy Joel said "it was always burning since the world was turning". According to creationists, this discovery made cavemen extremely happy since it was now possible to burn the flesh off the dinosaurs who lived along side them, thus enabling them to consume their souls. Personally, if I were a caveman when fire was discovered, I would have been absolutely ecstatic knowing that I would  no longer have to ingest my triceratops deluxe burger (hold the onions) raw while catching a show at the Roserockland.

Hey scout want feel, I mean hear a story?

From bar-b-cues to marshmallows to torching of witches at the stake, fires have been blazing a path of destruction for quite sometime since its discovery by cavemen. Fire is an enjoyment for many people, for example: the Boy Scouts (total homophobes), who enjoy sitting around a hearty fire telling ghost stories and roasting the before mentioned witches, I mean marshmallows. Once the weekend hits, people (both legal & illegal) living in the city, enjoy a nice jaunt to the park and engage in the art of  the bar-b-cue, then literally
proceed to litter our parks with trash and dump burning embers which come from, you guessed it, Fire, destroyer of worlds.

Fire does indeed heat our homes and light our way in the dark when we have forgotten to pay our electric bills from time to time, but it doesn't need to light up the mezzanine at the Roseland. We use fire to light candles to remember our loved ones who've moved on into the afterlife, as well as light candles to be romantic, bringing the possibility of creating new people in the current life (should have used a jimmy). We light a fire to enjoy our addiction to nicotine or observe the national past time of 420 (Fire, don't harsh my mellow, puff puff pass, don't bogart that....).

My mind is a battlefield where a fight rages about whether to unfriend Fire on Facebook or not. After watching the countless times the devastation Fire has left behind, I'm at least considering to block it from my newsfeed. Now with Fire potentially ruining my plan to take my girlfriend to the Roseland so she can see the Dropkick Murphy's for the first time, I'm starting to not like Fire more and more and may have to end this friendship.

(Note: Don't get me wrong and although I write my blog at an "attempt" to be humorous (I say "attempt"), there is absolutely nothing funny when any life is affected in a bad way due to fire.)